I’m snowed in. Literally stuck in my driveway.
Ok… So I called the city to see if they had any info on when the plows would be by…I was nice and patient…cool as a cucumber. I was then told by a moronic nasal toned woman “Thanks for calling Ma’am, we appreciate your concern but we’ve decided to wait until it stops snowing.”
Until it Mutherfuckin stops snowing, can you believe this? Had she seen the weather report?!
I took a deep breath…”Ok, so..let me just make sure I’ve got this straight. You’re going to wait until it stops freakin snowing to send the plows out? Okay..how about salting the roads?”
She replied, “No salting will be done until the plows go out Ma’am.”
(Ok..first of all I can’t stand being called “Ma’am” I don’t care if you call me “Bitch” but never call me Ma’am. There’s just something so condescending about it…)
Well that’s when the nice cool headed Sandy turned into..well the usual Sandy Vagina.
“So they plan on waiting until there is 6 feet of snow on the ground and people run out of groceries to send the plows out?! Who decides this shit? Someone who drives a monster truck and has food dropped to them by helicopter?!!!!”
Excuse me, but I really need to know who the asshole is that makes the final decision about which streets get plowed around here and when.. so I can force him at gunpoint to lay down and make snow angels on my fucking front lawn until his nuts freeze to his leg.”
She hung up. The Bitch!
(C) 2009 SandyV
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Okay, this one goes out to Twitter’s “Holden Caufield.”
Ooooo look at me! I'm all that. I’m too cool for words! I’m too sexy for my shirt! I listen to Ministry! I can’t decide whether or not I want to be New Wave or Industrial – Hey! Just like the band! I’m a chameleon…I leave you guessing…that’s my job.
Some days I wear shoulder pads and do blow. Other days I wear skull shirts and dye my hair black. Guess what I’ll be wearing tomorrow? I’m not telling. I’m mysterious. You don’t know my pain and the way I exorcise it on the dance floor.
I love you…no…don’t touch me…I’m a monster. Wait! No! Come back…!
I live in a world of dark despair..w-well sometimes..when I’m n-not dancing….that is
You don’t understand me…and you never will. I’ll bet you think this is wine I’m drinking.
OH MY FUCKING GOD! CAN YOU SAY FUCK-TARD?
Ministry – a band who began as The Pet shop Boys and sold out and turned into White Zombie, when their music was no longer in fashion.
Their Fans – a group of pretentious out-cast idiots who look like rejected extras from the set of Queen of the Damned.
Wow that being said…I think I’ll have a glass of Pinot Noir - -YES it’s REALLY Wine.
ASSHOLES!
(C) 2009 SandyV
Some days I wear shoulder pads and do blow. Other days I wear skull shirts and dye my hair black. Guess what I’ll be wearing tomorrow? I’m not telling. I’m mysterious. You don’t know my pain and the way I exorcise it on the dance floor.
I love you…no…don’t touch me…I’m a monster. Wait! No! Come back…!
I live in a world of dark despair..w-well sometimes..when I’m n-not dancing….that is
You don’t understand me…and you never will. I’ll bet you think this is wine I’m drinking.
OH MY FUCKING GOD! CAN YOU SAY FUCK-TARD?
Ministry – a band who began as The Pet shop Boys and sold out and turned into White Zombie, when their music was no longer in fashion.
Their Fans – a group of pretentious out-cast idiots who look like rejected extras from the set of Queen of the Damned.
Wow that being said…I think I’ll have a glass of Pinot Noir - -YES it’s REALLY Wine.
ASSHOLES!
(C) 2009 SandyV
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
"Oh no you di-int!" oh yes I DID!
Term: WIGGERS
Defintion: White people that try to act like stereotypical Black people.
These wastes of human flesh really make me sick. HEY you dumb muther-fuckers! You're WHITE. So stop posing. Stop trying to be all Urban and hip-hop! Your mother's name is Mary and your father's name is Bob. You have a dog named spot and a cat named fluffy. You live in a white house with a white picket fence and you have landscapers that do your yard work. You have a cleaning lady named Olga that comes once a fucking week. Your job is to get good grades and take out the goddamned garbage. YOU ARE WHITE. If you're into Hip-Hop music fine! Listen to it all you want, but don't you know that the Black people that witness your idiot-like behavior make fun of you?! They're laughing at you as I type this! So get the collard greens out of your asses and get over it!
Use proper grammar, turn your hat the right way, put down the 40, go get some fucking pants that fit your skinny white-boy ass and for the petes sake, take that ridiculous grill "out yo mouf!" If I see one more of you morons wearing Rocawear, I'm going to grab the "Bling" around your pencil neck and strangle you to death with it.
Ass-Wipes!!!!!
(C) 2009 SandyV
Defintion: White people that try to act like stereotypical Black people.
These wastes of human flesh really make me sick. HEY you dumb muther-fuckers! You're WHITE. So stop posing. Stop trying to be all Urban and hip-hop! Your mother's name is Mary and your father's name is Bob. You have a dog named spot and a cat named fluffy. You live in a white house with a white picket fence and you have landscapers that do your yard work. You have a cleaning lady named Olga that comes once a fucking week. Your job is to get good grades and take out the goddamned garbage. YOU ARE WHITE. If you're into Hip-Hop music fine! Listen to it all you want, but don't you know that the Black people that witness your idiot-like behavior make fun of you?! They're laughing at you as I type this! So get the collard greens out of your asses and get over it!
Use proper grammar, turn your hat the right way, put down the 40, go get some fucking pants that fit your skinny white-boy ass and for the petes sake, take that ridiculous grill "out yo mouf!" If I see one more of you morons wearing Rocawear, I'm going to grab the "Bling" around your pencil neck and strangle you to death with it.
Ass-Wipes!!!!!
(C) 2009 SandyV
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Get a clue or get off the road!!
Okkkaaaayyyy.
I've had just about enough of you stupid bitches that drive like complete shit because you're on your cell phones! Look, if you can't chew gum and walk, then what the fuck makes you think that you can talk on the phone and drive?!
I'm considering creating a new invention. I'd like to create a type of gun that shoots flags attached to suction cups so they will stick to your car. The flag will have writing on it that simply states "I drive like a complete asshole, steer clear" This will warn others to stay the fuck away from you reckless Idiots.
Of course it can't look like a gun, pointing that at someone's car would be a felony and I don't really want to get into a moronic altercation with one of the "city's finest." - (Sarcasm)
So I'm thinking that I'll make it look like a sunflower. All you nutty-granola-eating Peta-worshiping dirty hippies should appreciate that. I'll merely be pointing a lovely sunflower at your car. As if to say hey…it's all about love man. God, Just saying that…I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Get a clue assholes! Or get off the road!
(C) 2009 SandyV
I've had just about enough of you stupid bitches that drive like complete shit because you're on your cell phones! Look, if you can't chew gum and walk, then what the fuck makes you think that you can talk on the phone and drive?!
I'm considering creating a new invention. I'd like to create a type of gun that shoots flags attached to suction cups so they will stick to your car. The flag will have writing on it that simply states "I drive like a complete asshole, steer clear" This will warn others to stay the fuck away from you reckless Idiots.
Of course it can't look like a gun, pointing that at someone's car would be a felony and I don't really want to get into a moronic altercation with one of the "city's finest." - (Sarcasm)
So I'm thinking that I'll make it look like a sunflower. All you nutty-granola-eating Peta-worshiping dirty hippies should appreciate that. I'll merely be pointing a lovely sunflower at your car. As if to say hey…it's all about love man. God, Just saying that…I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Get a clue assholes! Or get off the road!
(C) 2009 SandyV
Monday, January 5, 2009
Fishing for Criminals
Every week I enjoy reading my local Police Blotter. (so many typos! morons)
Anyway, It never ceases to amaze me as to how many dumb assholes there are in my local area (aside from the police)
In every weeks blotter there are just way too many episodes of petty theft. My favorites are the stupid assholes that have the utter gall to steal wallets out of women's purses at the Grocery store while these dumb-ass oblivious woman are in "shopping mode" and leave their purses in the front of their carts.
I'd like to just take a moment to say, Dumb, dumb, DUMB! NEVER leave your purse open in the front of your shopping cart and walk away…you're just asking for it at this point. I really have no sympathy for you morons that do this. But nevertheless, It got me thinking….
Today I'm going to go into my vast closet, and select from my shelf of outdated purses that I care nothing about, a nice deep dark purse that opens wide. I'm then going to go to my local Grocery store. I'm going to leave my purse wide open in the front of my cart – just like you morons do…BUT hidden in my purse will be rat traps…yes, RAT TRAPS. They will be set to catch and damage the fingers of those stupid enough to try to put their hands in my purse. This will teach those lazy don't want to work like the rest of us, thieves, to NEVER attempt this again.
If you try to steal from me you deserve to pull your hand swiftly from my purse. You deserve to experience the White Hot pain that you will feel, and I get to admire the bloody stumps that you once called fingers.
I call this new sport, Fishing for Criminals.
(C) 2009 SandyV
Anyway, It never ceases to amaze me as to how many dumb assholes there are in my local area (aside from the police)
In every weeks blotter there are just way too many episodes of petty theft. My favorites are the stupid assholes that have the utter gall to steal wallets out of women's purses at the Grocery store while these dumb-ass oblivious woman are in "shopping mode" and leave their purses in the front of their carts.
I'd like to just take a moment to say, Dumb, dumb, DUMB! NEVER leave your purse open in the front of your shopping cart and walk away…you're just asking for it at this point. I really have no sympathy for you morons that do this. But nevertheless, It got me thinking….
Today I'm going to go into my vast closet, and select from my shelf of outdated purses that I care nothing about, a nice deep dark purse that opens wide. I'm then going to go to my local Grocery store. I'm going to leave my purse wide open in the front of my cart – just like you morons do…BUT hidden in my purse will be rat traps…yes, RAT TRAPS. They will be set to catch and damage the fingers of those stupid enough to try to put their hands in my purse. This will teach those lazy don't want to work like the rest of us, thieves, to NEVER attempt this again.
If you try to steal from me you deserve to pull your hand swiftly from my purse. You deserve to experience the White Hot pain that you will feel, and I get to admire the bloody stumps that you once called fingers.
I call this new sport, Fishing for Criminals.
(C) 2009 SandyV
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